Starting over

Hello folks,

I am not having a good day. Despite the electo-stim acupuncture, the additional medication and all my big hopes and positive thoughts, my lining decided not to cooperate and it got stuck measuring 6.5mm. Dr. said that given the fact that we have seen it growing up to 9mm in the past, that he doesn’t want to compromise the transfer -though there are women that carry healthy pregnancies with a lining that it’s only that thick.

We are now going to induce a period by taking another medication (I swear I see my pharmacist more often than I see my husband), and start over with a new protocol. We have two options: keep trying with estrogen, but instead of patches using intramuscular injections in my butt (yikes!); or do another stimulated cycle -since we know my lining gets thick when making eggs-, retrieve and freeze more embryos for storage.

The idea of going through another IVF cycle again doesn’t appeal to me at all. Also, if I get overstimulated again we would have to wait to make the transfer and we would lose the chance of using my thick lining that cycle -which will bring us back to where we are right now. But the alternative, just the estrogen, might not work either and I would have gone through a cycle for nothing: no transfer no embryos for storage. We have a call with the Dr. tomorrow, so I’m sure that Mr. Harvard will be able to pick Dr. Ringler’s brain and run some set of probabilities as to which route is more efficient (in terms of money, time, and my well-being).

For me today is hard for a number of reasons. First, because I hoped with all my heart that I’d be ready, so the disappointment hurts like a kick in my gut. Second, because I can’t help but playing on repeat the thought of how broken, how defective, and what a failure I am. First, my egg quality; now my lining. How can some women get pregnant by accident or in their first try and I’m having so much trouble despite the amount of time, effort, money and heart -all my heart- that I’m putting into? I do everything I read in every single blog about infertility: acupuncture, long walks, high fat diet, raspberry leaf tea, meditation, Coq10, prenatal vitamins, etc, etc, etc. So then, why is it not happening?  Why if I want it so much? Why couldn’t be enough to dream about it, to be ready for it, to love it with all my heart?

It’s been more than a year of treatment after treatment, and today I feel like I deserve to have a break; to make progress without having to leave the skin on the road. But “feeling like it” it’s not going to make it happen. The same way that “acting on it” won’t make it either. And that is the hardest part. The lack of control. The fact that despite the efforts that I make, it’s not up to me to become a mom…

Today, not only my body aches…

no sugar coating. #thisiswhatinfertilitylookslike